RESPECTING THE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: MR. C.D. MOORE

A relationship has fallen apart. There is a child or two involved. A custody/visitation agreement has been reached. But both parties are still very much hurt. Whose fault it is or was is now unimportant. What the children see and hear is.

Parent A goes to pick up their child from the other’s home for a weekend visit, as agreed. The tension between the two parents is still very thick and both are uncomfortable around the other. Icy stares and comments from sharp tongues are flashed. Out in the car, Parent A
fixes the car seatbelt around the child mumbling some unflattering sentiment about Parent B,
closing the door sharply, entering huffily and speeding away still very clearly upset by the need to deal with the other “unreasonable” parent.

Meanwhile the child soaks in all that he or she has just seen and heard, not understanding why Mommy and Daddy are fighting, or why they seem to be mad at him or her. Confusion begets anger.

The above scenario has been arranged, retold, explained, examined, dissected and discussed in literally millions of books, child psychology studies, parenting classes and divorce case studies all over the world for at least 100 years. We have all seen the television movies on LifeTime or the like. And sadly, more then enough of us have personally known the pain and confusion caused by estranged spouses to their children, even if done so inadvertently.

So why does our anger at the other parent override our unspoken commitment to our children’s emotional well being? Why do we still put our children through these situations? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not even going to pretend that I have a clue. But I do know some ways to help lessen the stress and pain the children must experience. There are some guidelines, that if followed, will help avoid some of the torment a child goes through during the separation and/or divorce. These guidelines will not stop all the questions or bad feelings a child will face as their security of family is challenged, but every little bit we do for them will help them. You must keep in mind though that these guidelines will be useless unless both parents try to use them.

1. Never say anything derogatory about the other parent in front of or around the children or the children’s friends. Belittling the other parent or criticizing them in front of the child lessens the child’s security in that parent and their respect for you will suffer in the long run.

If you are in disagreement with the other parent about something, try to do so quietly. It may be better to bite your tongue for the moment then to undermine the child’s emotional security. And doing so right in front of the children will always come back to haunt you in the end, always. Try to find the time to discuss your concern with the other parent when the child is not around. Make sure they won’t hear the disagreement.

But be willing to talk some things out in front of the children – just use discretion in the subject matter. By allowing them to see you both working out a problem together and peacefully, it will help make them feel more secure and it will also teach them valuable communication skills for their future relationships. Try to be openly helpful to the other
parent in front of the child, and NOT in a belittling or condescending manner. The both of you should try to show your child that even if you are not living together, the family is still important. Though you divorce your spouse, the child is still tied to you both.

4. Never put your child in the middle of a fight or in a situation where she or he feels they must choose a side between parents.

5. NEVER ever use the child as a weapon or try to punish the other parent by keeping them away from the child because you are mad at that parent. This is not only wrong, but a moral crime against your child. A child’s relationship with both of you should always be paramount! Do your best to put away pride, anger and resentment as well as greed. Make sure the action you are taking is in the best interest of the child and not to “get even with” or “to teach the other one a lesson” or “who’s boss”. Keep it honest with yourself as well as for your child. Children will some day grow up and see things as they truly are. The truth of each situation will, more than likely, someday come to light. They will know who did what. Do you want to take the chance that your child might resent you for acting wrongly against his or her other parent? Will your relationship improve with lies or deception as you try to validate what you did? Do you want to take that chance?

This one may sound redundant, but it is still very true. Treat the child’s parent the way you want that parent to treat you. Especially in front of the children. They learn by example and their respect for you will be measured by what they see you doing, not just by what you said you did.

6. Finally, respect your children enough to do your very best for them. By hurting your child’s parent – your child’s loved one – you ultimately hurt the children.

It is agreed that not all circumstances will allow for pleasantries. People in pain are not always able or willing to see clearly. And some people find it just too difficult to get along with their ex. Sometimes we are so angry we might honestly believe what we are doing is right. But if in retrospect, we see that it is not, we should love our children enough and be big enough to try and apologize and make it right.

Our children need our love and protection, sometimes from us, but they also deserve our respect. At times it might be necessary to ask ourselves, “Do I deserve my child’s respect?” If you can’t honestly answer “Yes”, fix it. Don’t create a wall between you and your child by trying to come between them and their right to love both of you.