For the past two years I have been facilitating classes within the prison system. I have been inspired to write this article after holding one of the classes. The topic centered on Fatherhood and there were some things spoken on that topic which were very inspiring.
I have become aware of the fact that Fathers who are in prison are the most forgotten about sect of our society. While holding these classes I was also made aware that most of the men in prison today are Fathers, claim to have committed the crimes for which they are incarcerated for, for their children. I must admit that I do not agree with the act of committing a crime to feed, clothe, or educate one’s child.
However, I do sympathize with these fathers in wanting to take care of their children. I can also sympathize with their idea of wanting to sacrifice all they have and are for their children. Their actions may be wrong, but their hearts are in the right place.
While writing this article, my memory has been taken back to a book I read by Marcus J. Borg, ‘The God We Never Knew.” In Chapter 6 of this book, Borg states that the poor are not poor because of individual failings, but because of unjust social policies. I have made mention of Borg’s statement because one of the facts that comes out in these classes is that most of the men come from poor families who are in prison. Mention has also been made to point out that these men are human being that have been dealt a bad hand in the game of life, and they like all other people need a helping hand to one day be released from prison and be a productive part of their children’s lives.
The thing I stress the most in these classes is that one of the fundamental aspects of being a Father is that you have to be around to be an influence in your child’s life; if you are incarcerated, it becomes very difficult to be an influence in your child’s life. Although some alternatives are given on how to be an influence in their children’s lives from prison, most of the men agree that being home with their children would be better in being a constant influence in their children’s lives.
Some of the stories I hear from the participants of the class are emotionally moving, some sad, and others warming. There are stories from men who have not seen their children in anywhere from a few months to a few years; but one thing remains the same from all of them – and that is, that they miss their children dearly. The most profound thing that I have found with these men is their deep regret for the disruption they have caused in their families’ lives and their search to reconcile with their families.
There are stories from men who have been a part of their children’s lives from behind the confines of prison walls and fences. They have accomplished this feat by writing letters to their children, phone calls, and the visiting programs that are implemented by the prison. They tell of how they have taught their children ABCs, multiplication, typing their shoes, etc. in these prison visiting rooms. These visiting rooms have become an outlet for them to have interaction with their children.
The prison system provides conjugal visits for those who are married or have other family members that are willing to partake in these visits. These visits are called either the F.R.P. (Family Reunion Program) or Trailer Visits. These Trailer Visits allow for the prisoners to spend two nights and three days with their wives, children, mothers, fathers, etc. This provides the most precious time prisoners could have with their families. It provides quality time, which is needed to build family connections, for them and their families.
If not for the trailer visits, then the children of these men would never have the chance, during the Father’s incarceration, to see their Fathers in a family setting. I feel this is very important not only for the Fathers, but also for the children – knowing the psychological effects a Father can and does have on his family. This is a setting where a son can learn how to treat women by watching how his Father treats his Mother. A daughter can also learn how a man is supposed to treat her by watching how her Father treats her Mother.
The Trailer Visit program is one of the better programs, I feel, on the part of the prison system that is beneficial to help build and sustain family ties. It allows for Children and Fathers alike to have the time needed to build the parent-child relationship. I feel that this program provides the elements needed to sustain family ties that are detrimental to having these men return home and stay home; it gives them just one more resource they will need.
One of the most heartwarming stories I have heard in these classes came from an older guy. He tells how his daughter has graduated from high school and college. She attributes being able to do this to the moral support she has received from him and he has been in prison for the last twenty years. He says he is proud of his daughter. She is now in Medical School and planning to become a surgeon. This Father has said that it was not an easy task to be a part of his daughter’s life. She was six years old when he came to prison. For the first ten years of his incarceration he wrote her once a week and did not receive a letter back in all those years. But he kept on writing those letters and still does to this day.
All of the stories are not Cinderella stories such as the one above. There are stories of men who have spent many years in prison and have endured seeing their children coming to prison. Some of these men have even been in the same correctional facilities as their sons. They have watched that child go through the prison woes of gangs, drugs and violence.
If you were to ask any of these men if they could rewind the hands of time and keep their child from going through the hardships of prison, more than likely, the answer would be “Yes.” So, our goals in these classes are to come up with concepts for better parenting, going home and staying home, and for those who may never be afforded the opportunity of going home, ways that he may be as productive as possible in his children’s lives.
Never going home and being able to be a part of their children’s lives is a touchy subject for a lot of the men in these classes because it is a reality to them that they will never return home to their families. A lot of these men will spend the rest of their lives in the prison system. One thing I like about those in this situation, despite what they are faced with, is the fact that they are more eager to help and offer advice to those who will receive the opportunity of going home to their families.
I would like to take the time to commend the wives, mothers and other family members that go through the struggles of prison visits to allow a Father the opportunity to be a part of his children’s life. In these classes, these family members are always spoken of with the greatest admiration. They hold the highest degree of appreciation and respect for these family members. These family members must be spoken of in this article because they are the ones who are left to take on the bulk of responsibility for these children while the Fathers are in prison. They have been forced to become the provider for the children.
Seeing the sincerity, regret, and regards these men hold for their family makes me wish that I had a magic wand to wave to make their lives better, knowing that with an opportunity and better circumstances, these men would be productive in society. Being a Father and a husband myself, I can understand the wanting to be a part of your family’s life, growing old with the woman you love, and watching and guiding your children to adulthood.
These men have made mistakes and some bad choices in their lives, but they are men, Fathers, sons and husbands. Most of them, if given another chance, may never commit their crimes anew, or make those same bad choices. They love their families as much as the one who has not made the choices they have. I enjoy spending time with these men in these classes because I have learned from them to never take for granted the moments I am able to spend with family. We all should take this lesson and cherish the time we have with our loved ones.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
RESPECTING THE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: MR. C.D. MOORE
A relationship has fallen apart. There is a child or two involved. A custody/visitation agreement has been reached. But both parties are still very much hurt. Whose fault it is or was is now unimportant. What the children see and hear is.
Parent A goes to pick up their child from the other’s home for a weekend visit, as agreed. The tension between the two parents is still very thick and both are uncomfortable around the other. Icy stares and comments from sharp tongues are flashed. Out in the car, Parent A
fixes the car seatbelt around the child mumbling some unflattering sentiment about Parent B,
closing the door sharply, entering huffily and speeding away still very clearly upset by the need to deal with the other “unreasonable” parent.
Meanwhile the child soaks in all that he or she has just seen and heard, not understanding why Mommy and Daddy are fighting, or why they seem to be mad at him or her. Confusion begets anger.
The above scenario has been arranged, retold, explained, examined, dissected and discussed in literally millions of books, child psychology studies, parenting classes and divorce case studies all over the world for at least 100 years. We have all seen the television movies on LifeTime or the like. And sadly, more then enough of us have personally known the pain and confusion caused by estranged spouses to their children, even if done so inadvertently.
So why does our anger at the other parent override our unspoken commitment to our children’s emotional well being? Why do we still put our children through these situations? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not even going to pretend that I have a clue. But I do know some ways to help lessen the stress and pain the children must experience. There are some guidelines, that if followed, will help avoid some of the torment a child goes through during the separation and/or divorce. These guidelines will not stop all the questions or bad feelings a child will face as their security of family is challenged, but every little bit we do for them will help them. You must keep in mind though that these guidelines will be useless unless both parents try to use them.
1. Never say anything derogatory about the other parent in front of or around the children or the children’s friends. Belittling the other parent or criticizing them in front of the child lessens the child’s security in that parent and their respect for you will suffer in the long run.
If you are in disagreement with the other parent about something, try to do so quietly. It may be better to bite your tongue for the moment then to undermine the child’s emotional security. And doing so right in front of the children will always come back to haunt you in the end, always. Try to find the time to discuss your concern with the other parent when the child is not around. Make sure they won’t hear the disagreement.
But be willing to talk some things out in front of the children – just use discretion in the subject matter. By allowing them to see you both working out a problem together and peacefully, it will help make them feel more secure and it will also teach them valuable communication skills for their future relationships. Try to be openly helpful to the other
parent in front of the child, and NOT in a belittling or condescending manner. The both of you should try to show your child that even if you are not living together, the family is still important. Though you divorce your spouse, the child is still tied to you both.
4. Never put your child in the middle of a fight or in a situation where she or he feels they must choose a side between parents.
5. NEVER ever use the child as a weapon or try to punish the other parent by keeping them away from the child because you are mad at that parent. This is not only wrong, but a moral crime against your child. A child’s relationship with both of you should always be paramount! Do your best to put away pride, anger and resentment as well as greed. Make sure the action you are taking is in the best interest of the child and not to “get even with” or “to teach the other one a lesson” or “who’s boss”. Keep it honest with yourself as well as for your child. Children will some day grow up and see things as they truly are. The truth of each situation will, more than likely, someday come to light. They will know who did what. Do you want to take the chance that your child might resent you for acting wrongly against his or her other parent? Will your relationship improve with lies or deception as you try to validate what you did? Do you want to take that chance?
This one may sound redundant, but it is still very true. Treat the child’s parent the way you want that parent to treat you. Especially in front of the children. They learn by example and their respect for you will be measured by what they see you doing, not just by what you said you did.
6. Finally, respect your children enough to do your very best for them. By hurting your child’s parent – your child’s loved one – you ultimately hurt the children.
It is agreed that not all circumstances will allow for pleasantries. People in pain are not always able or willing to see clearly. And some people find it just too difficult to get along with their ex. Sometimes we are so angry we might honestly believe what we are doing is right. But if in retrospect, we see that it is not, we should love our children enough and be big enough to try and apologize and make it right.
Our children need our love and protection, sometimes from us, but they also deserve our respect. At times it might be necessary to ask ourselves, “Do I deserve my child’s respect?” If you can’t honestly answer “Yes”, fix it. Don’t create a wall between you and your child by trying to come between them and their right to love both of you.
Parent A goes to pick up their child from the other’s home for a weekend visit, as agreed. The tension between the two parents is still very thick and both are uncomfortable around the other. Icy stares and comments from sharp tongues are flashed. Out in the car, Parent A
fixes the car seatbelt around the child mumbling some unflattering sentiment about Parent B,
closing the door sharply, entering huffily and speeding away still very clearly upset by the need to deal with the other “unreasonable” parent.
Meanwhile the child soaks in all that he or she has just seen and heard, not understanding why Mommy and Daddy are fighting, or why they seem to be mad at him or her. Confusion begets anger.
The above scenario has been arranged, retold, explained, examined, dissected and discussed in literally millions of books, child psychology studies, parenting classes and divorce case studies all over the world for at least 100 years. We have all seen the television movies on LifeTime or the like. And sadly, more then enough of us have personally known the pain and confusion caused by estranged spouses to their children, even if done so inadvertently.
So why does our anger at the other parent override our unspoken commitment to our children’s emotional well being? Why do we still put our children through these situations? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not even going to pretend that I have a clue. But I do know some ways to help lessen the stress and pain the children must experience. There are some guidelines, that if followed, will help avoid some of the torment a child goes through during the separation and/or divorce. These guidelines will not stop all the questions or bad feelings a child will face as their security of family is challenged, but every little bit we do for them will help them. You must keep in mind though that these guidelines will be useless unless both parents try to use them.
1. Never say anything derogatory about the other parent in front of or around the children or the children’s friends. Belittling the other parent or criticizing them in front of the child lessens the child’s security in that parent and their respect for you will suffer in the long run.
If you are in disagreement with the other parent about something, try to do so quietly. It may be better to bite your tongue for the moment then to undermine the child’s emotional security. And doing so right in front of the children will always come back to haunt you in the end, always. Try to find the time to discuss your concern with the other parent when the child is not around. Make sure they won’t hear the disagreement.
But be willing to talk some things out in front of the children – just use discretion in the subject matter. By allowing them to see you both working out a problem together and peacefully, it will help make them feel more secure and it will also teach them valuable communication skills for their future relationships. Try to be openly helpful to the other
parent in front of the child, and NOT in a belittling or condescending manner. The both of you should try to show your child that even if you are not living together, the family is still important. Though you divorce your spouse, the child is still tied to you both.
4. Never put your child in the middle of a fight or in a situation where she or he feels they must choose a side between parents.
5. NEVER ever use the child as a weapon or try to punish the other parent by keeping them away from the child because you are mad at that parent. This is not only wrong, but a moral crime against your child. A child’s relationship with both of you should always be paramount! Do your best to put away pride, anger and resentment as well as greed. Make sure the action you are taking is in the best interest of the child and not to “get even with” or “to teach the other one a lesson” or “who’s boss”. Keep it honest with yourself as well as for your child. Children will some day grow up and see things as they truly are. The truth of each situation will, more than likely, someday come to light. They will know who did what. Do you want to take the chance that your child might resent you for acting wrongly against his or her other parent? Will your relationship improve with lies or deception as you try to validate what you did? Do you want to take that chance?
This one may sound redundant, but it is still very true. Treat the child’s parent the way you want that parent to treat you. Especially in front of the children. They learn by example and their respect for you will be measured by what they see you doing, not just by what you said you did.
6. Finally, respect your children enough to do your very best for them. By hurting your child’s parent – your child’s loved one – you ultimately hurt the children.
It is agreed that not all circumstances will allow for pleasantries. People in pain are not always able or willing to see clearly. And some people find it just too difficult to get along with their ex. Sometimes we are so angry we might honestly believe what we are doing is right. But if in retrospect, we see that it is not, we should love our children enough and be big enough to try and apologize and make it right.
Our children need our love and protection, sometimes from us, but they also deserve our respect. At times it might be necessary to ask ourselves, “Do I deserve my child’s respect?” If you can’t honestly answer “Yes”, fix it. Don’t create a wall between you and your child by trying to come between them and their right to love both of you.
CIRCLE OF LOVE: MR. CARRY GREAVES
Out of the darkness
come life that
many still don’t under/
stand/but
life continues when
one sleeps and the
other is awoke.
Nurturing and comforting
the cries of her newborn
and then grows up
to take care of that
which took care of him/her.
Respect and understanding
Is all the mother wants
From the life she
brought into this world
That many still don’t
under/
stand/but
life will always
Continue if we give her
Her due respect.
©2007
All Rights Reserved
come life that
many still don’t under/
stand/but
life continues when
one sleeps and the
other is awoke.
Nurturing and comforting
the cries of her newborn
and then grows up
to take care of that
which took care of him/her.
Respect and understanding
Is all the mother wants
From the life she
brought into this world
That many still don’t
under/
stand/but
life will always
Continue if we give her
Her due respect.
©2007
All Rights Reserved
THE SEVERED BRAID THAT TIES: MR. RUSSELL WM. SELBY
I have no worldly riches
to bequeath to you
Nor I – any wealth to speak of
except that of – maybe your love for me
Like echoes of a life from the past
this braid – severed from its existence
is all that remains of the maned crown
now – forever shorn of its former radiance
If I give nothing more of myself – then
reailze the full extent of this keepsake
For what time could not take nor vanity keep
was sacrificed for posterity’s sake
And passed on to you in all love and sincerity
As love’s gesture – in remembrance of me
The one who will forever cherish
that braided link of our existence – as one
(c) 2000
All Rights Reserved
to bequeath to you
Nor I – any wealth to speak of
except that of – maybe your love for me
Like echoes of a life from the past
this braid – severed from its existence
is all that remains of the maned crown
now – forever shorn of its former radiance
If I give nothing more of myself – then
reailze the full extent of this keepsake
For what time could not take nor vanity keep
was sacrificed for posterity’s sake
And passed on to you in all love and sincerity
As love’s gesture – in remembrance of me
The one who will forever cherish
that braided link of our existence – as one
(c) 2000
All Rights Reserved
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